Jbabcock Funny Status Messages

   Whoever said "It's what's on the inside that counts the most" never met my ex and experienced how full of sh!t she is.

   Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?

   The 12th beer of a 12 pack always tastes a little bit like I'm calling off tomorrow.

   I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.

   I have a picture of myself in my wall in my nursing uniform holding two empty bedpans. That way when they show me a photo of their honor studen or their new car I can show them a photo of me not giving two sh!ts.

   What I resent most about 2011 : No Jetson Backpacks

   Dear Fork, I know I've never contacted you since I ran away with the plate. But I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon

   Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   This is your status on the old FB. ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʍǝu ǝɥʇ uo snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ....Any questions?

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   When I was a boy all I ever wanted was super sized tree house and a Jetson style Jetpack. But then my desires became more grown up over the years and now all I want is some dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul commercials

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.

   Visiting your extremely religious Grandma can be a day full of uncomfortable feelings and guilt. This is because Grandma has a little Dogma that's obsessed with chasing after everyone elses Karma.

   In grade school I dreamed of having a supersized tree house and a flyable jetpack. now that I'm grown up all I want is 2 dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul Commercial.

   Well I just watched Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" in the middle of the night on my night off all by myself. I'm not scared or anything but I wish my wife were awake so she could walk me to the bathroom. That's ok though....I can hold it.

   I hate Fridays that aren't payday. Sometimes this day makes me wish I had a Viking Helm so I could walk into the payroll office and yell "It's MY money and I need it nooooow!!!"

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike

   ESPN's Ron Jaworski just apologized for saying "sh*t" live on the air during Monday Night Football. Which just goes to prove that 90% of sportscasters don't notice to all the dumb krap that comes outta there own mouths anyway.

   Bank of America puts the "fun" in overfunded bailout money receivers.