Nobody Funny Status Messages

   If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up

   You know society is screwed up when a 10-year-old girl worries more about her weight than where her friends are hiding.

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

   My drug dealer cracks me up.

   I would say that one day you'll be working for me, but I don't have any intention on running a strip club.

   The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   I will always cut through a gas station parking lot to avoid a red light.

   Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   We are all born sexual creatures; it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift. ~ Marilyn Monroe

   I was once in a band called The Stepchildren. A lot of people pretended to like us.

   I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.