Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   Football ~ The legal way to buy a nigggaa.

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   I love a Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping.... with a really angry bear near by.

   it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   I saved a bunch of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.

   Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.