Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   psychology suggests that religious people are categorized in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. If you want to be sure, google it.

   If I hit the $500 Million remind me to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).

   N!gg@h please. You no g@ngster, you too black, you a Thug..

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)

   To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

   still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions

   Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

   I just found out that I hit the $640 million Mega Millions jackpot, but my Dog swallowed the ticket.