Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Depending on whether I win the Mega Millions..... I'll either be having my birthday party this year at the Space Station or the local VFW. Standby

   I just went to go visit Miss Cleo in prison so she could give me the winning mega million numbers. For five easy payments of $ 10 million dollars you too can have the numbers.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Dog's diary = me and my master played all day! Cat's diary = day 154 of captivity.

   Girl with 3 dogs: committed owner. Girl with 3 cats: committed lunatic.

   I want a woman with dreams, plans and ambition. Not a girl on a breeding mission!

   It's national cleavage day. Let's honor this holiday ladies.....

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   When I win the Mega-Millions, I'm going to buy so many dishes, pans and silverware That I never have to wash them again, just use them once and throw them away.

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!

   My fantasy is having two men at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.

   Cab to go to bar: 30 dollars 4 rounds of beer to get your friend to tell you your ex is now a stripper: 70 dollars The look on your ex's face when you shove a single in her buttcrack: PRICELESS!

   Oh so...they taking money made from Gas to give it to the winner of the MegaMillion Lottery!! Aint that some sh!t!!!

   F I win the..$US- 640 mega millions JACKPOT..Im Building a Death Star..well down payment to start it any ways..!!

   Roses are red violets are blue...it's Friday night and I'm sick of stating the obvious to you