Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   I'm not stupid enough to pay for phone sex. But my boss on the other hand....

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO

   I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to a$$holes, but rarely agree to anal.

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   Gas prices are at an all time high. But the gov't is willing to up the mega millions jackpot to 640 million dollars. Someones priorities are F'ed up if you ask me.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson!

   Why is it that is always your right nut that sticks to your right leg ?

   I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH!!!!! Can someone please tell me If the lettuce goes over, or under the ham!

   Dont you hate when a really fat guy wears a tight sweater and you can see the huge outline of his belly button. The diameter is large enough to fit a can of Pringles snugly in place.

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   Typically I'm not a fan of floors, but feed me plenty of Jack Daniels and I'm all about em!