Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   I like the Facebook update. My "Update Status" box used to read, "What's on your mind?", this morning it changed to "Who are you going to annoy now?".

   You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.

   I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.

   People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   fool me once shame on you..fool me twice Go F**K yourself!

   Watched The Hunger Games. Got the munchies.

   I just randomly chose 5 homes and placed "For Sale" "Open House Tonight at 6pm" signs in the front yards. Now I sit and wait for the fun to begin.

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..