Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy gets arrested for smuggling cocaine into America. Next week, another guy arrested for smuggling it out. Do they want the stuff or not?

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death

   Didn we all love Kinder... where the hardest decision was picking a crayon

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   If you really want to go green, start using BOTH sides of your toilet paper.

   Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

   Judging by the fact that it is never happy with it's appearance and is always making cosmetic changes no matter how many times it is told it looks fine, I can only conclude that facebook is female.

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   Always change the channel before turning off the TV because expkauning the Playboy Channel and why two girls are kissing is hard at 7am

   Spike Lee's next movie should be named "Do the Wrong Thing".

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.