Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Everybody loves metal music, or if they don't, they should, or will eventually." - Metal Musicians

   you're like an open Facebook

   When the Old Spice Guy comes after your girl, your not offended, your honored.

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, Because theres no place like home.

   I have received several E-mails over the years called"The People of Walmart" I would like to start a new E-mail called"The people of the DMV" I was especially fond of the pregnant woman waiting next to us, feeding her toddlers a McDonalds breakfast. Honor

   atheists only exist cause they haven't tasted this grilled cheese I just made.

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   wondering... does anyone really believe that Barack Obama doesn't understand exactly what the Muslim Brotherhood is?

   I can't help but laugh at that Shake Weight commercial. If you've seen it, you know exactly why

   I need to move some money around. By that, I mean...I'm going to take the change from my console and convert it to bills, so I'll have money in my pocket!

   can't believe Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. It's not like he puts all of his information out there or anything.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   met a girl last nite that charged by the inch... I didn't have enough money but I figured she'd be a good deal for you.

   Psychotherapy is like the boardgame Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

   When the lady at Walmart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say Your Welcome!

   You don't need 50 expletives in a Facebook status. It makes you look -- uneducated.

   If reading this status message caused premature death, you may be entitled to compensation. Please call our law offices if this has happened to you