Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a female friend of mine is taking self defense class - they told her not to yell "Help" when being attacked - you are supposed to yell "Fire". I said, "what if the attacker is holding a gun?"

   "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush

   I Want some Coke so I can have fun 2night at home

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.

   pretty damn sure that Starbucks clearly has no idea we're in a recession.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars.

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   wants you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, go ahead & put me in a top hat. .

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."