Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

   As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

   Why does watching Twilight New Moon make me want to watch Teen Wolf!

   Unite this Cinco de Mayo to keep sharpies out of the hands of young mexican girls' hands. Feel comfortable in your natural eyebrows ladies.

   ...and thats when George Washington shot Hitler in the head.

   Cinco de mayo is the celebration of Mexico kicking the repo mans(France) a$$ who they owed money to and winning! It's true look it up!

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.

   just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

   I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   If at first you don't succeed, mabey sky diving wasn't meant for you.

   I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   Just watched "fourth kind", I think I need to go to church!

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   would like to remind everyone to Wang Chung tonight.

   Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.