Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young ones

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

   May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

   Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.

   she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

   how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

   the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops

   Hey Boston-LOVE THAT DIRTY WATER♥

   we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   Clinton ruined a dress Obama ruined a nation!

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"