Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your quarantine name is your first name followed by your last name.

   My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

   I’m amazed at how frequently scientists use memes to publish the results of their studies.

   Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

   Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

   Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death. Me: I need one

   Married people be like: [Quarantine, day 10] It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

   I’m papering walls in the loo, And quite frankly I haven’t a clue. For the pattern’s all wrong, Or the paper’s too long, And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

   Below is a great example of Limey humor and why it's relegated to only PBS stations here in the states.

   It started with a Bat. Then toilet paper. Now we are going nuts in quarantine. We really have gone Bat $#!t Crazy!

   I've been single for so long someone asked me who I was with. I said AT&T.

   Can't believe it's only been a month we've been self quarantining is it feels more like I've been doing it since like 1979

   Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.

   Shout out to all my homebodies.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   His haters would rather see people die than ever let him have a victory or give him any credit.

   If only he took the Coronavirus as serious as he did with windmill cancer.

   In these trying days of isolation please remember Deodorant is not Optional.

   * Well it's April and it didn't miraculously go away like he said it would.

   Good news. Jesus has risen. Bad news. He will need to be quarantined for 14 days