Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LIFE IS SHORT... PLAY NAKED

   Bringing a date to a wedding is like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip

   Because we're all so offensive and opinionated, anything about politics, religion, race, current events, and alcohol will always get the most votes and comments.

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   Anyone remember when MTV was "white"?

   3 main causes of war: Greed, Racism, Religion. I'll stay away from each.

   So, you say it was a long day huh? Well I bet it was 24 hrs long just like everybody elses!

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   just cause they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Going to the mall today to sit on Cupid's lap and tell him who I want for Valentine's day.

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   Oh please tell me you are NOT crying because I took the wrapper off your juice box straw!

   I am soon going to realize my dream of opening a combination hardware and sporting goods store...it's name shall be..."Sport N' Wood"

   If you don't have something nice to wear, then don't wear anything at all.

   At a Drive-Thru I think they should ask you to let them know when your ready as opposed to what you want to order. Cuz we are never ready as soon as we drive up.

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.