John Y Funny Status Messages

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   If you're STUPID enough to vote for someone because of a celebrity endorsement plese delete yourself from my friends list...Thank you.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   Pants up don't loot!!!

   I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.

   The woman in front of me at Kroger had a box of wine, a flower arrangement, some cat treats and two packages of batteries. Is it wrong for me to assume that she is single and treating herself to a day in?

   You know that the Pot used to call the Kettle something much worse right?

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".