BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   For those of you whose FB picks I stalk late at night, it's only because your dog started barking when I was at your window!!

   "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   Scientific fact: Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. You're welcome all my future 120 yr old FB friends!!!

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   Dear Windshield Wipers, "Can't Touch This!!" ... Sincerely, The Little Triangle

   Dear Northern Liberal tree huggers.......Winter Storm Nemo says FU and your global warming!!!

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   Damn, You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot