Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.