snotty Funny Status Messages

   Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

   The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable

   Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."