Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   Safe word? It's more likely that you will need a white flag

   Somebody stop the INTERNET, I want to get off!

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."