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69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!" 
"If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"
Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.
friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.
Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...
Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while
I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.
They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.
people will believe anything if you whisper it.
Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.
Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.
headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...
I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...
When in roam, watch out for those hidden charges...
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...
The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year. [Search Results] [View All Messages]