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I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back. 
Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.
The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.
It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up
Who needs Ringling Bros. when we have the White House.
Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.
Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.
Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.
I'm so old that I remember when Entertainers actually performed at a Presidential Inauguration without receiving death threats!
Someone I know just had a great great grandchild. That kid comes from a long line of fucl<ers.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on
Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!
I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.
Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn't find the exit
I haven’t seen the Democrats so angry since the Republicans took away their slaves
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.
The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Nice try, Tom Selleck, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived at Robin Masters Mansion for like eight years
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