Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.

   "If everyone can stop stepping on this, I will take it home, rinse and eat it!," I yell as I try to gather the rice thrown at a wedding.

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   Try to repeal the19th amendment and we'll pass the 28th amendment where you have to eat all our pussies before you can buy beer.

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."

   For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"

   At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.

   Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

   This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.