Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.

   Listen, OK, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago, back when I was just a young, childish, 59-year-old man.

   The only thing more romantic than true love is getting hit by a train.

   For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.

   I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   The "running man" may no longer be a trendy dance move, but it's a cool way to get out of a boring conversation

   so many disposable cameras