Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!

   Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.

   I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.