Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Worst. Apology. Ever.

   The Orange man sure has a knack for sabotaging himself.

   What part of "billionaire playboy" don't you understand?

   Facebook live exposing sh*tty cellphones 2015

   Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?

   Well .... That's IT ... It's the LAST STRAW !!! ... I'm now going to vote for the candidate who left people to die, Covered up her husbands Sexual Assaults, And Threatened National Security ..... Because that other candidate said some mean things.

   It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.

   Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

   When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.

   If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.

   Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

   I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.

   She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."

   Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.

   Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".