Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.

   With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   The scariest clown sightings so far have been the 2 running at the top of the Republican ticket.

   Nobody wants to hear anyone ever talk about "whipping out that Mexican thing again" unless it's homemade guacamole.

   Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Meteorologists advising people in path of hurricane to tie down things that can be picked up by winds, i.e. stray dogs, hookers, and vagabonds.

   The majority of people who are outraged about Benghazi can't even find Libya on a map. Or knew that Benghazi is in Libya til they read this.

   Geologists say the California earthquake will most likely happen this weekend due to earthquakes being too busy during the week.

   Kim Kardashian was robbed again in Paris because they needed re-shoots for her show.

   Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. That's the whole point of time travel!

   I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.

   Shouldn't we be protesting hurricane Matthew?...tree lives matter.

   No one respects women more than DT, because if they don't respect him he will grab them by the p@ssy."

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   The best thing about spotify, is that I can see who I could actually ride in a car with and not want to strangle before we ever go anywhere.

   I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.