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Ran out of mix an hour ago....drinking this rum straight out of the bottle like a BOSS!!! 
Happy Birthday posts on Facebook make all the pain go away.
Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.
I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....
Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.
The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.
Can you imagine anything more depressing than going to a petting zoo owned by MC Hammer.
I bet Target never opens stores next to a bow and arrow shop.
Mother Teresa has been canonized. She's no longer Catholic fan fiction.
In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of blame.
When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.
Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it
Its a shame when BLM cant read their own signs
I just started a GoFundMe page to buy Michelle Obamas freedom
Hell nah I’m not clicking on page two of any article online. It’s online. Your stupid story should fit one webpage however long it is.
If every day is a gift, I want a refund for the crappy ones.
A heart felt "Thank You" for the birthday wishes Due to sanitary reasons, I will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras
Chicago is already doing a lot to Make America Great Again
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