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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Rarely do I go a full day without attempting a Russian accent.
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09-01-2016 15:57
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Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....
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09-01-2016 15:58
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They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.
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09-01-2016 15:59
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My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.
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09-01-2016 16:00
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Drug addiction runs in my family. I come from a long line of cocaine.
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09-01-2016 16:01
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Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.
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09-01-2016 16:04
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Many people seem to appreciate my honesty until I'm honest with them. Then I become an azzhole....
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09-02-2016 08:31
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Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.
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09-02-2016 09:12
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My hobbies include but are not limited to, being difficult for no reason & not responding to texts.
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09-02-2016 09:16
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I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness
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09-02-2016 10:35 by
Snotty
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Remember yesterday was September.... So,, Only three more months of summer
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09-02-2016 10:37 by
Snotty
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FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!
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09-02-2016 10:57
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I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.
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09-02-2016 11:40 by
Big Tate
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Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.
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09-02-2016 13:13 by
Kisstopher707
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Call me crazy, but I'd rather see a taco truck on every corner than an anti-choice bigot on every Supreme Court seat.
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09-02-2016 13:18
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Notes From The Teacher: Please have little Johnny practice the phrase, "Paper or plastic?"
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09-02-2016 15:09
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Those credit card companies are pretty tricky hiding the security code on the back of the card.
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09-02-2016 15:10
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"We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere
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09-02-2016 15:13
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Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
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09-02-2016 15:13
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Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.
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09-02-2016 15:15
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