Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....
←Rate | 08-24-2016 00:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil
←Rate | 08-24-2016 12:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 14:23 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 14:26 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....
←Rate | 08-24-2016 15:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 16:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...
←Rate | 08-24-2016 17:33 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 19:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
←Rate | 08-24-2016 19:46 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 20:30 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
←Rate | 08-25-2016 07:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 07:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
←Rate | 08-25-2016 08:29 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 10:06 by michael hall Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...
←Rate | 08-25-2016 13:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 13:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 15:20 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?
←Rate | 08-25-2016 20:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It was a toss up tonight between turning on the nightly news or migrating to Singapore to get an Organ illegally harvested.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 20:52 by Corey c Comments (0)  



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