Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   Please stop using fancy words like "sober " and "family".

   Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.

   KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.

   I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.

   Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...

   .... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...

   Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

   It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.

   I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.