Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.

   If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.

   The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.

   How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?

   Today's Assignment: Under a Facebook picture posted by someone you know with a new husband/wife ask, "What happened to [name of ex-husband/ex-wife]?"

   Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.

   We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.

   The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.

   .... Hillary Clinton just announced that her plan to solve the American Fiscal Crisis is to put ALL of the American Debt on a private server then deleting it.

   Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?

   .... Something new for America ... Hillary And Kaine’s White Minority Plan, “Whites Need To Learn Their Lesson”

   You enter through the gates of hell, and it’s just Steven Seagal standing there asking you which one of his movies you want to watch first.

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

   I hate when a woman says "You probably say that to every girl you meet" Like don't you use the same resume for all the jobs you apply for?

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   Jesus is going to be much harder to find with all these hipsters running around.