Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Imagine the amount of money that could be raised if George Zimmerman volunteered to be the guy sitting on the dunk tank.

   Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

   90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.

   If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.

   I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.

   Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.

   Living in New York City is having constant road rage even though you don't own a car.

   If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.

   The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

   Putting broccoli between two slices of bread isn't a sandwich. It's an act of violence.

   Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.

   Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.

   If you want to recruit people to do whatever you tell them, get the ones eating fast food seafood.

   Truly having the 'heart of a child' will lead you to a toothless life of homelessness.

   People always talked about how fast technology advances. Has anyone ever thought, with this election coming up and all that is going on. We should be advanced enough to flea the planet?

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   The secret to a happy marriage is to completely master the "I'm listening" head nod while your wife is speaking....

   In school they always called me a bookworm because I ate books.

   Just got kicked out of Starbucks for not carrying a Macbook.

   If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!