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Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight 
I almost touched my toes, a year ago I couldn't even see them. #ExerciseIsGood
The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.
Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2
There are more woman than men in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
hates getting texts or calls on my iphone it interrupts my game, don't call me!
I expect 2011 AMA performances will include Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and supergroup N*KOTBSB 182 Degrees...
got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....
I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...
You couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars, wondering how long before we see Banging with a Porn Star!!
Hooked on jenkem!
Bristol is following in her mother's footsteps, having no talent and people still root for her!
If God is my co-pilot, then why do I keep crashing?
I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays
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