Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   ... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.

   Trying to choose who to Vote for President is like trying to choose whether to eat a Dog Turd or a Cat Turd.

   Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.

   Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.

   Wonder what you do for the other two hours at a Kings of Leon concert after they play 'Sex on Fire'....

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   "Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   Hey everybody, Dont forget before its too late, its a good time to hide some leftover fireworks under some ashes in your friends fireplace

   ..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....

   .... My Nuclear option to try to calm things down in the heat of passion .... is to think of Hillary ...... But only when absolutely necessary ... Cuz I don't want to become permanently sterile.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.

   [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.

   Since Rio de Janeiro is south of the equator, aren't we technically watching the Winter Olympics?

   Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?

   Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.

   Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.