Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Kids today are socially awkward because of their phones. I don't need a phone for that...I have all organic, farm fresh, free range anxiety.

   If you eat a dozen donuts quickly enough you can feel your soul hug you.

   Let my Tinder dates know I'm a bad boy by showing them the comments teachers left on my school reports.

   Dying by a 'terrible accident' is the nicest way of saying 'sneezed while doing blow off a switchblade, in the back of a van'.

   Pro Tip: Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.

   I now consider sitting in a quiet car as a good night out.

   Love hot yoga because it's over 100 degrees with someone yelling at you. It's like growing up Italian in Florida.

   BREAKING NEWS: Medical researchers have found that 100 percent of lab rats exposed to oxygen have eventually died.

   There's no masculine way to eat a lollipop.

   Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   It's not difficult but I'd prefer it if you washed your hands again before shaking mine.

   I've watched all of Mr. Robot season one and I gotta say this is the absolute worst adaptation of a Styx song.

   I'm not difficult but my Wi-Fi password has more characters than an Avengers movie.

   It's Facebook, not Time Magazine. We don't need to see your entire life in pictures.

   Verizon buys Yahoo's "core business" for $4.8 billion. Yahoo's "core business" is of course, "email accounts last used 5 years ago."

   I'm more like a party canceling planner.

   Rap battles in Canada consist of two people trying to outdo each other with compliments.

   I find it ironic that blacks wont be safe until... you lock up all the blacks....

   Hmmm, last night it sounded like them Democrats wanted to screw up everything......