Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   bad in all the good ways.

   This afternoon after work, I plan to take my talents down to the bar

   noticed a recent increase in former girlfriends on FB that are now married. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But with the divorce rate in this country I should be getting some nice rebound sex sooner rather than later.

   wow it's R. Kelly cold out there! And by R. Kelly cold, I mean "in the teens"

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   Just so we're clear: I know we agreed not to purchase gifts for each other this year, but you weren't serious. :)

   Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.

   so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.

   Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

   I'm convinced that dogs lick their own balls just to make me jealous.

   Hallmark Card: "I've always wanted someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

   Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.

   Just saw the couch I sold at my garage sale at another garage sale

   Decisions are made when I'm tired of thinking.

   Grandma knew 27 spots on the human body where she could inflict pain without leaving a mark. She was like a Ninja.

   Its pretty sad when even your xmas tree has blue balls.