Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   - I took my ex out last night. It only took one punch :)

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   Larry King is getting his 8th divorce; Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time; Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage; Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING; yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the insti

   Dear Status, I'm not sure if I should keep (up)dating you any more. You've changed, and I'm not sure if I'll like it.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me ;-)

   Destiny may decide who touches your Life ~ Your heart may decide who touches your Soul ~ But...Tequila decides who touches your body

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die

   it's a status....not your diary...

   Sweet and sour chicken; how can it be both? Come on...let's get real, China.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good, but nothing ever changes.

   (comment is abusive and offensive and has been removed by Facebook)

   Watching the Biggest Loser Finale. Hate it when they jump up and down after the results. Holy chicken wings...yuck!

   Note to self condoms are NOT Machine Washable

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine

   Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I'm going to print out all my Facebook status updates and stuff them in the cards... much easier.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   We are seeing some hard times. Even Santa's feeling the pinch, I hear he's down to just one Ho!