Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   ...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......

   All aboard the disoriented express.....

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   .... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.