Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   Only Till Facebook came Along Did We Realize How Much We All Like.

   just spent an hour at Walmart and I no longer believe in evolution.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that

   despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...

   Let's hope this Eclipse tonight is better than the last Twilight movie....

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"

   I be the same people that brag about how nice and warm it is where they are right now are the same people that were spoiled brats when they were kids.

   Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

   We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.