Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You're telling me that not one person in that entire club thought to hide in the closet?

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?

   This Friday, Finding Dory will be release in theaters as well as Season 4 of Orange is the new Black on Netflix. One is about the adventures of a lost soul in a sea of fish searching for love. The other is made by Pixar.

   Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.

   I don't think America should elect any President in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

   Babysat my friends son. We both had grape juice, mine was fermented...

   'Battery life' is an interesting phrase...it signifies thas your smartphone's battery has a life, but you don't.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   Press Ctrl, Shift, C. Type "rosebud;:" and hold down Enter. Oh wait this isn't The Sims?!?! We're all screwed.

   Airbnb weirds me out a bit. As a kid, people are like "Don't talk to strangers", but as an adult you're paying to be in their house.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   Stop Facebooking about how your baby can sit up on his own. I can do that! I do it all the time!

   Every time your boss says something you should always nod a lot and say, "OMG, yes, yes, let's do that!"

   Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....

   Nowadays the only way to get friends to hang out all night is if one of us needs an intervention.

   Turns our Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Turns out Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   I have a big bottle of hot sauce that lasted longer than 2 Taylor Swift's relationships combined. Less than half left, it can go two more.