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I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley
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05-29-2016 19:31 by
Snotty
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When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.
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05-29-2016 19:31 by
Snotty
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My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage
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05-29-2016 19:59 by
Snotty
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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05-29-2016 20:19 by
Snotty
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It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.
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05-29-2016 20:20 by
Snotty
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My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.
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05-29-2016 23:08 by
Snotty
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Where do dinosaurs fit in this bible story of yours Sir?
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05-30-2016 00:02
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Guy's lame excuse for not hanging out #473: I have to help my friend change his car oil
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05-30-2016 01:33 by
adri
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dinosaurs were on the ark, Noah was smart enough to know you bring the babies, just bring a pink and a blue one....that part will be important later.
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05-30-2016 02:20
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Always look after your kids while visiting the Gorilla enclosure at the zoo, or the Gorilla will get shot....
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05-30-2016 03:14
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Pro Tip: The gorillas at the Cincinnati zoo do not offer babysitting services without being shot by the zoo staff.
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05-30-2016 03:17
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Cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
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05-30-2016 03:23
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Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.
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05-30-2016 03:24
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Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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05-30-2016 03:25
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I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
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05-30-2016 03:27
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Never bring peanut butter to a rap battle.
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05-30-2016 03:28
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Congratulations!!! Your software finally irritated me into upgrading it....
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05-30-2016 03:30
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"I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." --Dolphins.
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05-30-2016 03:32
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I am born of physics, compiled by chemistry, evolved by biology, exist in ecology and decay into geology.
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05-30-2016 03:33
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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
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05-30-2016 03:35
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