Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.

   Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.

   What is the Biggest Benefit of having a crush in the same college where you study? . . . . 100% Attendance...

   If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to...

   Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?

   Women should not have children after 35 . . . Well what I really mean is . . . 35 children are enough!

   "I wasn't that drunk!".... "Dude, you were asking my cat about the weather!"

   I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

   n't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

   I'll see your passive aggressive Facebook status and I'll raise you... one finger.

   I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.

   A doggy day care but for humans.

   In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

   Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

   Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

   I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

   I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.