Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My family's recipe for lasagna has been handed down for generations: 1) Collect the freshest ingredients. 2) Find a woman cook it. 3) Eat....

   Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all most selfies people take look dopey?

   And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

   Led Zeppelin's "In My Time Of Dying" is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

   Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

   Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.

   With classics like "I like you, but not as much as the rest of our family," I feel our 4 year old would dominate the greeting card industry.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   ..... You know I suck at planning for the future when my entire retirement plan consists of buying two Powerball tickets every week ....

   Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...

   Ya OK .... The extent of my being a real tough assed dude .... Is kinda limited to humming "Bad to the Bone!" ..... While eating my smoked baby back ribs. Like I say .... I'm a real Tough Ass!!!

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... It's YOU that NEEDS to CHANGE ungrateful Dumbass!!

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."

   I was going through a tough time ..... then I opened my eyes .... then there was you :-)

   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

   FACT - For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   This twit looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Heinken or Millers?" I said, " There’s a tap underneath, taste it".

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people... But others have no imagination whatsoever.

   The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.