Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

   You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

   I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

   I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   Instead of making laws out of fear that trans women are just men trying to sexually harm women, we should convict the men that are actually harming women.

   Dear Alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

   "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas!!!

   According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

   Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

   You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

   Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

   I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

   Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

   Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

   How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.