Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   DO NOT breathe in my face, if you can't handle the truth........."Hey, does my breath smell like tacos?"..."Did you have chicken sh!t tacos?"..."No?!?"..."Well then, your breath does NOT smell like tacos..."

   finds it ironic that I have to get out of bed on humpday.

   They should make a more honest name for 16 and Pregnant. Stupid Little Girls sounds good to me.

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   if a deaf boy cusses in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

   Tip: if you have to put lol in your own status, more than most likely it's not funny.

   If everyday were payday, my wife would be such a nicer person.

   Dear Wednesday, I sincerley hate you. Your nothing compared to Friday !!

   just read Snooki doesnt wanna be called "Snooki" anymore. so what do we call her now? I say we call her "Annoying Orange" or is that taken?

   When Kraft writes "To open push here" on their mararoni and cheese box, what they really mean is "You can try, but this tab is never going to open"

   Imagine if you knew exactly when are you going to die, what would you do with the rest of your time? I bet you would change a lot of things about you life...

   I wonder if musicians ever feel stupid singing a song with a chorus that repeats 35 times, because I certainly feel stupid listening to it.

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   Just did my own personal training session w a CrossFit trainer. Rowed 500m, 40 air squats, 30 full sit-ups, 20 push-ups, 10 overhand pull-ups. 5min 23 seconds. Then crawled to the bathroom to dryheave.

   What's this ♫♪ 'Crazy little thing called Love'? People say ♪♫ 'Love will keep us alive' but then ♪♫ 'Too much love will kill you'.... now 'I want to know what love is'. ♪♫

   No one dies a virgin, life screws us all

   a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says hey your quite a celbrity around here we even have a drink named after you. The grashopper says wow you got a drink named Steve.

   has mixed his Ativan with Nyquil...and thinks he just saw Elvis making a grilled cheese in his kitchen...

   wonders who is going to play the chick with the 3 boobs in the Total Recall remake... (o)(o)o)