Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I really think that our Presidential Election is going to be decided by a "Yo Momma" competition on Comedy Central.

   Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   snapchat is creating it's own brand of human beings separate from the rest of us, people who think dog filters and squished faces are cool

   If the right to vote was taken away from anyone convicted of a fenoly we would never have another democrat president again.

   After all the eating I have done this winter, I am happy to report my flip-flops still fit.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   Oh man, all nation are drunk crazies.

   Anything can be toilet paper if you're brave enough

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong, I wish you privileged white males would get that!

   Everytime I see a mattress on a car, I always think it's a prostitute making a house call.

   When a woman carries a keg of beer over her shoulder, never question your relationship status....yep she's a keeper!!!

   If you call your boyfriend/girlfriend "bae" one more time, I hope a deer kicks you in the genitals.

   I love eating ice soup the day before every pay day.

   Attention Ladies: A male marathon runner takes a mid-race break for a burrito and beer, sure sounds like a perfect guy to date.

   Interesting Fact: 87% of people are happily single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.

   I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.

   "Please sir, I have a family." - Waiter pleads as he continues to grate cheese onto your plate in a dark empty restaurant, hours after close.

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button?!?!

   Remember: No matter what anyone tells you, you are not worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.