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Sometimes I wonder if my homeowners insurance will cover the destruction my 3 and 5 year old can do in a short period of time, I look at the mess and think to myself- Had an F5 hit my place- at least the debris would be in my neighbors yard 
Life Lesson 585: I should write a book about things not to say: Like, it is very unwise for someone to tell a lady struggling with a diet that they would actually loose 10lbs by shaving their back hair. The doctors tell me I should be able to walk again
Don't wish me a good day, I was looking forward to having a bad and taking it out at YOU!!!
Confucious say, "Women's panties not best thing in life, but next to best thing in life."
Some things are meant to be just once in a life time. -Sincerely, One Night Stand
What's 69+69? Dinner for four.
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.
What does OJ have that every man wants? A Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife!
If a mime shoots you, must he use a silencer?
Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty, go figure.
Ok, my friends list is now exactly at 1.000 people! I'm not adding anymore. New request will be forwarded to the Hosni Mubarak's facebook page, because the poor guy has 0 friends!
closer than he appears in your rearview mirror.
It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.
Word: Drama Definition: a complete and total waste of my time.
The Bipolar smiley face :): (dr brown )....
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say
Women are like Parking spaces.. all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!! :)
"Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!
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