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A committee is NOT established to determine what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved. 
My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do." My wife is not speaking to me.
If a Chinese person is giving you driving directions, does he say "Turn right at the chopsticks in the road."?
I think fire safety courses should require having to do the Safety Dance.
You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Why disappoint others, when you can disappoint yourself.
Let's just stay at this liquor store until we run out of supplies. - me during the zombie apocalypse
My wife just complimented me on my new Alligator shoes, but the only problem with that is that I wasn't wearing any shoes.
If you #FeeltheBern you may want to see a doctor. You probably have a UTI or STD.
Kanye West makes a song about gold diggers, but now has to ask Mark Zuckerberg for money.
Guns don't kill people, Dads with pretty daughters kill people.
My dog vomited last night at 4 am. At least he kept me company while I cleaned it up.
Most people on their 16th Birthday get a car, I got an inflatable dinosaur costume and not gonna lie, I'm in love.
Canadians: What are these igloo-dwelling hosers who can no longer apply to be "Jeopardy!" contestants.
Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover, instead you'd feel like dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.
Bert + Ernie = Bernie. Coincidence?!?! I think not.
96% of online doctors on websites say your good grammar is essential so they can properly diagnose your medical problem.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Some days I have everything put together....some days I spit toothpaste in my hair.
Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....
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