Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   today boring you? Go outside and lick a strangers face....that should spice things up a bit.

   I'm the type of girl, who can watch tons of horror movies without getting scared, but screams at the top of my lungs when the waffle pops out of the toaster.

   Don't be a twatsicle.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic....I'm spiritual.

   The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.

   A new U.S. political television ad from Marco Rubio touts 'Morning in America,' but the opening skyline is unmistakably Vancouver, Canada.

   Never fry bacon while naked.

   Here's to our wives and sweethearts.... and may they never meet.

   I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.

   A shout out to hotel maids who have to change the sheets on February 15th.

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry bl@k m@n asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   The smartest thing I never did, was get married. . .

   The two best days of my life was when I got engaged and the day we broke it off. . .

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry black man asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.

   "Best thing about prison, man, was crochet. I loved crochet" -- Man overheard on bus