Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Shoutout to uteruses, the original 3-D printers.

   Happy Valentines Day. Today is not just about romantic couples, it's the day where everyone is loved for being who you are. If you are spending the day with friends, family, your significant other, or yourself...do something nice to treat yourself today.

   Wishing a Happy Valentines to all those who are taken, almost taken, taken from granted, waiting to be taken, assumed to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously.

   Written inside a Valentines card: Jet fuel isn't hot enough to melt steel beams, but you are.

   Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.

   All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework."

   Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.

   I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   Women are like puppies, if you hang around 1 for too long, eventually you'll bring it home & it will poop on everything you love.

   Do you think zombies have nightmares about necrophiliacs?

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...

   It's always good to announce your break-up via Facebook. It's the easiest way to let her friends know you're available.

   $5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...

   Dear Genitals, thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man.

   Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. It gave me hope... for another Rush Hour movie.

   Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it's complicated? Really? What did he do, steal your animal crackers?

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...